Triggers of the Past and Strength of the Future

I don’t quite know what I feel. There has been a dull sensation of loneliness inside of me all day today. Even when I was with other people during yoga class, there was an anticipation of loneliness to come. I was busy when I got home, but the dull sensation lingered all through my activities. Now, after hours of busyness, I am sitting in the awkward sensation I have anticipated all day. What is it? Why has it been there all day? What is my psyche wanting from me, and how can I give myself a feeling of contentedness?

Have you ever been in this space? This awkwardness, this unexplained craving for someone, anyone? When I reach deep inside, I think I can find it. Yup, I just did. It’s crazy. Our minds are so powerful. When we reach inside, we can connect the dots. That’s all it is, dots from the past. The vibe pulls at our emotions until we react or acknowledge them. I’m glad I can acknowledge; the reacting is where the pain steps in – numbing of all sorts to avoid the feeling.

So, what is this feeling that has been haunting me? It began early in the day when the snow started to fall. We are mere weeks away from Christmas, and I guess the snow brought up memories of when I lived alone when I was young (18) and Christmas was a horrible lonely time for me. I could hear the upstairs people singing and joyous, while I felt all alone and dejected. It was my first-year spending Christmas living alone. I cried a lot that season. It was hard feeling so isolated when everyone else seemed so joyous. I understand why so many people feel depressed at Christmas. It’s a time to point out that you have no one.

The question is, how can I combat this feeling and replace it with a renewed sense of contentedness? How can I be happy on my own? Well, I am doing it – writing. This gives me something constructive to do, and it has shown me where the feeling arose from. I guess I can also linger in the joy of feeling my own company. I have come so far from that young girl who felt so alone. I know I am loved. I know I have family and friends I can reach out to at any time. I know I am alone because I choose to be alone. I also know I won’t be alone forever. This is a temporary situation as I adjust to being newly retired, so I can prepare for a better life where I stand in my worth and feel my strength. This Christmas season I have so much to be thankful for. In fact, my latest project has been designing a Daily Gratitude Journal (look for it on Amazon!). I have much to be grateful for, and this blogging is a new way to count my blessings and ride this wave of adjustment. Thanks for reading. No really, thank you.