Distracting and Dark Night of the Soul

As a teacher I used to tell my students that inside of us is a set of boxes. When something comes our way, and it's too difficult for us to deal with, then we put it in a box and store it for later when we are emotionally able to deal with it. I've always felt that we need to open those stored boxes and release the contents, otherwise it interferes with our ability to grow.

Well, my life of distractions has done a stellar job at keeping me from opening those painful boxes. But now, face-to-face with myself, the boxes are practically opening themselves. Oh boy. This is a lot tougher than I thought. I went through my Dark Night of the Soul in 2017. I thought it was over. But this is much darker than that "night". If you haven't been through your dark night, just fyi, it's not a night! My first one took two years. I'm hoping this one will be quicker.

So what is a dark night of the soul? It's when you go through a very dark time in your life, through which you develop a deeper connection to your consciousness. Eckhart Tolle describes it as, "a collapse of perceived meaning in life....an eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness...Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it's no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain."

Well, I'm there. On the verge of transforming, but currently in a very dark, bleak space where pain is rampant and boxes of memories past are strewn all over the place. How am I surviving? Kleenex. Lots of Kleenex. Baths. Lots of hot bubble baths. Friends. Beautiful, loving, kind friends. And, a great book, Healing the Shame That Binds You, by John Bradshaw. This book explains how those boxes are formed. He calls it the process of developing the false self. It usually begins in childhood, when an event happens that overwhelms us emotionally (trauma), so we disassociate and in order to protect our egos, we create a false self to escape the shame. We form a defense to escape our authentic self who is perceived as shameful.

This book struck a chord in me. I experienced a very traumatic childhood. In fact, I buried much of it and made a life of being "perfect" to overcompensate. I collected degrees, certificates, accolades, anything to make me better. Anything that is, except actually loving myself. I've been on a long walk now of self-love. Of learning that I'm good enough just as I am. I don't need to find my worth in achievements, or relationships. I need to just accept myself for who I am. There's been a whole lot of excavating going on. Digging out the skeletons. Exhuming the trauma. Loving that inner child. The beauty behind all this free time, is I know now that I'm strong enough. I can do this work. I won't break down. I won't lose myself. In fact, I'm getting stronger by the minute. This blog is really helping too!

Most importantly, I don't need the distractions anymore. For the first time in my life I can handle being alone and being face-to-face with myself. So, what better time than the upcoming Winter Solstice (December 21) to really go inward? I am giving myself the gift of time. I will sink into my aloneness. The hope is that when I get to the bottom of the well, I will see who is there underneath all the layers. Who is this Lisa that I have avoided all my life, and what does she want now that I have uncovered her? I feel that will be a treasure worthy of having - me. Pure, authentic me.

Distractions. I'm very good at distracting myself. I have made a life of it. Going out, eating, drinking, watching tv, reading, spending time with friends, crafting. Doing almost anything to avoid just being. Well, now I have no excuse. So much time to sit. To be still. To take this opportunity to get to know the me behind the distractions. Who is Lisa? Well, it's a lot more painful than anticipated. When you take the time to get real with yourself, you may find there are a lot of shadows there. A lot of buried emotions and events.